Well, I'm back on making music again. I try to change my mind about theatre play and comedy. I'm work on a french adaptation of Wicked: the Musical. It don't goes pretty well cause most of the cast just don't got it in themselves. They got sparkles eyes for singing in front of other people and they get busy with everything but the musical. It sure going to be a disaster if some of us don't do a thing about it. I try helping others with the play, but ain't not much time to get they focue enough; the show is in three weeks. So, I can keep thinking about it and get mad, insane, good for white-coats people, or focus my mind on music.

Mostly, it's ambient stuff. A little like Yamaoka's stuff, he's so great, but maybe with a more modern or futuristic "touche" (taste). I inspire myself with a scenario I'm also working on. There's note much horror movies, in Quebec. Quebec directors usely do drama or comedy movies, and it is either a master-piece, or a load of pretencious crap. So, I think some psychologic horror, like Silent Hill, might be a new and interesting thing, for quebec people. And it would be nice to have already a soundtrack.

Today, I got my first real acting experience.

My aunt was there, my oncle and two young cousins too. And some people that I don't know. We were the second show, and I wasn't nervous, rather hyperactive. Damn... Like all night I acted like I was crazy, makins stupids jokes, one time pitiful and the other time... well, theatrical expressive. I just can't believe it happened! And now... life is back to normal. I'm regain calm and got more introvert, like usual.
I just felt I could do anything or say anything, it won't matter. Rather than that, it could be awesome. I felt freedom. Like Superman can fly, I can say all the thing I imagine at the moment. Freedom...

My role was easy, for people like Jim Carrey who are used to get loony and out of control. But not that easy. There this other character who recruted new thief to get a partnership, but my character is totally retarded. He doesn't loud sounds, thinks he's in a Impossible Mission's movie but actally, when the recruter get answers from me, it sounds genious. Like what the hell!!! At the end, my character is too awesome, he becomes de recruter, and the other the candidate. And then, a nurse comes the ring the curfew and we get pills, something like that. It wasn't a big role, neither a great scene. Just a little showing of what we learn in our acting class session. But this was incredibly exciting.

Next session, we build a real show! We will play real scenes with script and all. Creat characters, manage the play... DAMN F**KIN-SEFLFISH LORD!! I can't wait to start that.

PS: Silent Hill3 Walkthrough DVD Project stalled, maybe for good. Damn Nero 7 is just good to pissing me off!! All the project is ready, but when I burn the DVD, it fails at the end and do not work. I already lost 6 DVD for nothing, and I need three good ones for closing my project. I don't know what to do...

I made it.

Yeah! After three days of my life, lost for ever, I finaly achieve this montage. It's here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKXjkIh PTS4

Well, it wasn't easy, and I don't think the work is perfect. Because for a lot of reasons, like it was my first time with Adobe Premiere Elements, the videos were take on a Walkthrough in Youtube, not one of mine, the damn subtitles on cinematics made me cut several good scenes, my work didn't reach all my hopes. But it's still ok. I'm not Spilberg, you know. At least, lyrics of the song make sens.

I have been thinking more and more about the strange horror of Silent Hill. Like Lovecraft, it has this improbable way to freak you out. But also in deep meaning beneath everything. I remember The Dreams in the Witch-House, where a gradeschool studiant make he's way through a another dimension by passing into the wall. Or a book full of short stories that we named Demons et merveilles (Deamons and beauties), where, in the first novels, some old guy who had witness something he should have not, get his way in ether dimension beyond rules. That is what I was thinking about when I heard Claudia say : "They've come to witness the beginning...". They... Suddenly, I saw the monsters for what they were. Probably human's disturbed souls. Evil or victims. But all jealous to have life no more. Not do crimes, or been punish to have succumbed to vengence and pain. Attracked by Heather cause she could make them justice. I saw them running around, sensless and trapped, like in prison. And I thought this is the way end for vengence: physical and spiritual prison.
When you kill, you get judged for a crime. But it also lock you up inside yourself with your pain. The only things you'll see, now on and forever, are the reasons that brouth you in jail. Even with a feeling of justice, you'll get selfish and being selfish with your pain, it is hell. I know that personally.

The no-laws world of Silent Hill is violence, the deamons are broken souls or maniacs, and most of the story themes are pain. Even for James and Henry. James lives with guilt, and Henry with fear. Decoding all aspects of the games bring you to some understanding of our world. But to see what I'm talking about, you must open your eyes on the ugliest shades at any corners, behind any feint smills, in front of all badest intentions.

- Arouth

A lot of deep thoughts today. I guess this thing is getting to be some osrt of part-time journal or something. I know noboby's are actualy reading or caring about my toys in the attic, but this is less espensive then a psychiatrist and facebook or any french writers website are just dulls cause speaking the french people is dull. Yeah, i'm a french canadian and a got more interest to speak with english people, actualy. The reason, maybe you already know, is french are so pretentious. So sophisticate. Like we got one of the hardest language in occidant, one of the oldest and most authentic, we posesse philosophic mind then... Yeah, then what? Gaulois were weed smoking cowards, if most of your kings didn't screw up after the Dark Age, you would have been ruling most of the world. Machiavel didn't mention a lot about French cause mostly, in war, conquest, in most pratical way, we suck. And today, for exemple, I tried to compare voice conversation in Qc servers (Qc = Quebec) and standard english servers in the game CS Source that my little cousin was playing. The different was, in english servers, people were calm, have fun, saying funny shit to each others, great moments... In QC servers, people were juste swearing, bitching, comparing egos, vocaly snap each others like stupid girls in high school courtyard. Where was the fun? And this is not it, even in french forums, there's not a lot of debate rather then bullshit. This is ennoying. And nobody's really listening. They give useless and repeatitive opinions like chasing deamons that I don't care about. My point is, for these reasons, I don't like to write in facecrap or french forums cause it's just boring and mind-castrating.

Anyway, this is not what I wanted to say, tonight. I got some conversation with the double Tyler-Durden-like fella in my head, repeating the same sort of questions again, doing the why-you-didn't-do-stuff-in-specific-oc casion patern.
One struck my mind when I was reading a Tom Clancy. This was when John Kelly (Clark) didn't try to kiss the nurse who he was her home because the moment wasn't good enough for both of 'em (sorry if my english sounds weirdo). That made me think about a girl I met. She is a very confiuse type. Like ex-gothic-nympho-toxico, sexually abuse by brother and/or dad, now turn into a deep chrestian girl. She is bright. Not like ordinairy sheap. She was born in hell, if you know what I mean, and she hope for redemption. Making her live all and own again. For awhile, since I met her for the first time, I liked her. I guess I still do, in a way. Each time I was wit her, there was something that trouble me, sometime making me mad. I was always wendering, the moment I knocked on her door, if I should do something to... advanse our relationship, or just fuck with her. Everytime, I heard the voice in my head, my big brother's voice: "Do something, idiot! You know she likes you". That was right. She gave me a lot of proof, during the moments we were together, that she felt something. But before then, I knew all about her. Her life, her dreams and mostly... her nightmare. She was in AA groupes, some others for sexual-disorders, something like that. I couldn't tell her anything and most of time, I was saying anything either, but let her talk. Each time, when it was time for me to reach home, it was a friendly goodbye, sometime a little embarassing. Each, the same voice in my mind just called me a fag, or loser. And each time, I got frustrate. Not because I wasn't taking a occasion to make a girlfriend, or just empty my balls. No. I got mad because it was wrong.
I remember one night. A freezy-hellish night. Almost passed midnight. Wind was raging and snow was like nails. She came to my place for watching Elektra, she like super-heros movies. Once again, the same voice. Maybe this time I believe it was it. she complaint about some pain in her back, like she did in the past few weeks. Refusing a massage, I didn't insiste. After the movie, I walk to the bus station; in this cold night. The bus never came. She got nervous. I think I told her take she could sleep in my couch, or even in the bed, I could have take the couch. Probably said no. Anyway, randomly, a taxi cap passed by and I gave her twenty dollars. I remember saying I didn't expect any payback. She froze more then a snowman. Totaly shocked. She said something, but don't remember what. And she fell into my arms, full of gratitude. By the time, I wanted to kiss her. I guess I still want it, in a way. The Double said "THAT'S IT!". But said no. She get headed back home, alone.
I didn't tell the story to my real big brother (even if it's not his business, but there's a point in that). I know what it would say. It wasn't shy, I'm not gay either. No. It was wrong. I still think today that the girl need something, but it wasn't really me. I'm not sure I could have help her to feel better about herself. And not because, by the time, it would have make me feel better, that I have to take opportunities like that because of... of what? Verylity? Being a man? What is being a man, anyway? What does it mean if there is no difference-making at all? Does a man really has to do a difference?
I'm wendering...

I'm just bored. Unwilling to sleep even if I can barely stay awake. Didn't make anythink creative these days, only watching Twin Peaks, playing video games with my young cousins, hoping for a call, for a boss to give me a new job. My birthday soon, and Halloween... Joker these year too, I guess. But this year, my hair are long enough, the town is smaller and probably my cousin will do a run around here for candies. Well... future is still future, an pure evil bastard. Ahah!

No... Right about now, I want to talk about what I discover last week. Jazz in New Grounds. Artists here are fabulous. But you probably already know better then me. No1r, sorohanro, porksoda are my favorites, by now. No1r got this smooth and dark touch that dig in you like a oiled drill. Penetrate you. God, Urban Color is one a my best. Groovy and fluide like water or wind at sunset. Any city people can see easily what I'm talking about. He got those too, Hills of Tuscany and Sea of Tuscany, that brings you away, even if you don't know what the place looks like. Those two are piano master pieces that never waste your life time. Soft more than romantic, it's dreamy.
Sorohanro is more rythmic, groovy. Your body is lightly hummering at his songs, cannot be motionless. It's impossible. I highly recommande Pat Methenystique for jazz lovers. Over 4 minutes of cool beat that your brain will keep for your next dreams in future days.
I could say more, but not in english. I mean, I liked Jazz for the style, the smooth musical power; Davis, Miller, Ellington, Armstong, I heard some of their work I found it good. A little too classic for me, maybe. But now I know Jazz section in New Grounds, this is a different story. Here, there is a touch of modernity that I love. LOVE. Like AloysiusRexford, who remix piano Jazz with Trance beat. Daring. And great stuff! Those guys are really musicians, not like me with my FL Studio, trying to understand what music is. I'm willing to make my friend who made me found Jazz get some ear in this stuff you got, guys. Cause good work must be spread around like virus. It's obviously more interesting then reality shows and more precious then money.

Now, I think I'll try to sleep a little.

Oh YEAH! My audio stuff got publish. I was scared that it would be too dull to be in this site, and as I can see, there's no discrimination. First is some Trance track inpired by a master of Dark Ambient, the well-known Akira Yamaoka. Less intrumental, sure, I don't have MIDI plugins. I wish I could. Damn... The name of the track is Self-Driving Bicycle. I discuss the name a lot with my young brother, who lives in New York and just adore Akira's stuff. I wanted to put my image of a bike rolling on the road without driver, cause that's what the song made me feel, in one or few words. I'm not english guy, I speak a little, understand pretty well and I write as good as I can. So my first thought was Undriven Bicyle. Those who are reading this surely laugh by now. It's ok. Then my brother, busy and probably unwilling to help me, throw the idea of Self-Rolling. Well, it was bad at all. But a self-rolling bike does not necessarily give you the idea of a ghost, or something dark supernatural. It just had lose his driver and then fall few meters later. Gave the image of road accident or murder more then... I don't know. I wanted to make sure that people who would listen to it would see the bike rolling again and again, a long distance, alone, without being driven. Like in a dark countryside road. The car pass by and slow, seing the weird scene happenning front the eyes of the driver. Sometimes, you can see some light flash above the bike. Not a shape, just subtle rays of light. Something like that kills you just by thinking about it.
The other song was made for the same young bro. Like I said on the description of the song, I wanted to please him by a little present. Like Egoraptor did for his father. i told him, by the time, I would try to make stuff like The Field does. The guy(s) mixes some kind of Techno Trance, or something. A lot of percussions, in fact, a lot of his tracks move on a 4 fast hit, use reversed beats, and sometime, he just screw up a beat. But his stuff his one of the finest, we don't give a damn. Even if Bro loved his song, named Jeremy's Song, I am not fully pride of it. The beat is simple, did not have a lot of sound effectsit loops and, like major of my stuff, I just put here and there something to enrich initial beat. Not major master piece, but something you can enjoy.

I don't do big stuff cause, even if I'm a fan of music, I always wanted to do some, I just discovered the possibilities of FL Studio few mouths ago. I am trying to learn the complexities of the programe by myself, after gave up on some complex tutorials. I experiment and love to get use of a new feature. Like I said, I wish I had some MIDI plugins. I could play real guitar and record a main track, mixe it in something awesome. Or play and build music with a keyboard. And not shitty computor keyboard. Like piano. Now, my stuff would be more complex and enjoyable. Maybe later.

Well this is it. I will put more tracks on NG soon. If you find something interesting on my work, please tell. I know tracks can be use on loops for flash-games. I love work with Trance loops, drak or violent. Let me know. It would be cool to work for someone.

I'm curious to see if anybody will lets comments again.

Today I post earlier. But it's still late. Writting during the day is... what's the word again - nervermind... doen't not work for me. I'm a night bird, and I was even before my first night job. Feel alone and in peace. Anyway, was talking about day, right....

Well today, so many things came into my mind. I was working on three things at the time and felt a little lost. Most of it, was on Silent Hill. Yeah, one of the thing I love most on earth. I could talk about it hours and days. This is pretencious, but I'm sure no one knows the subject better then me, even his own conceptors. Well, that's surely not thru, but now you can imagine my concern on it.
The work was to ressemble proofs that SH 3 was way better then SH 2. I don't know, everybody loves, adores, Silent Hill 2 : Inners of Fear, and they but every sort of comments on the net, claming it is the best Silent Hill ever. I'm not agree with them. Sure, the game is fine, he made me discover something that change my way to see things three times. But even if the first one was more like a sick Resident Evil - way better then R E, I assure you - and the third one just looks to follow the first blindly, so many things were hide because fans thought so. This is unfaire. Yeah, I didn't catch the all thins the first time either. Was young, naive and just discover the serie.
I'm not joking, the host of Silenthill-france, the only thing that approche a official french web site for Silent Hill franchise, was amazed by my theory of clautrophobia/agoraphobia Vs sociophobia of SH 4, which was the worst Silent Hill at the time. I felt for real what he was like to stay home, like a was locked in there, hope people contact. But the fact was scared. And it was the same for the character of the game. He left Silent Hill for a new life, like I didn't with my home town, but almost lock himself cause the experience wasn't like he thought it would be.
Sure, you will say: "Eh! what are talking about? Nightmares came and suddenly, chains appeared on he's door". Of course. But But for people who saw interviews with the SH-Team, the creators, and espacially Akira Yamaoka, one who took a huge concern on the franchise with the time, you would know that most of Silent Hill games use psychological theories to make their games. And to pass a message, or a atmosphere, you must first creat mistery. Phantasmagoria. And this what SH is all about.
So, to get back on the official subject, I felt responsible to the defence of my favorite Silent Hill game. And just because I still don't like meeting people, but need the exchange with them, I wanted the amuse myself, talking with someone who shares the same passion.
There's a guy, name on Youtube Baruttv, who made a perfect "walkthrough" of all four original Silent Hill by Silent-Team. They take over 20 videos and the presentation of each is brillant. So, for the... third time, I watch SH 1 and SH 3 seires. Yeah, sure, the first game was part of the debate. Was for my own fun. I started building some kind of list of notes from details of the game (SH 3). Six pages, I got. 25 videos, mostly 11 minutes each ones, gives over 4 hours of pure hell. Yes, cause SH 3 talks about Hell, revenge, hate and suffering. It talks about the way someone fills his earth of anger, changing the way he sees the world, how it can change the world. Also how it is futile. Claudia wanted to make the world the way Alessa wanted it in the first game. Full of monster slaying everyone. Rise of hell on earth. She used the child of Alessa, Cheryl, now call Heather for hiding her from the people of Silent Hill, to birth a "God". She killed the father of the young girl to fill her of anger, which was mean to give God strengh.
I recently read Sept Jours du Talion (Seven days of Talion) from a french canadian author. It is the story of a good surgery doctor, who lost his young dauther, killed and raped by a maniac. The doctor finally decide he has to pay. He kidnap him from the police hands and tell his gonna torture him a week long, and after kill him. You are all english people and i'm not sure they be any translation. But if it does, sure but I'll spoiled the end. So he did torture him, pettry hard, keep him alive willinly to make him understand what he've done. Everyone around the doctor, familly, wife, was shock by the situation. The guy was a quiet, peaceful man, totaly disagree with all kind of violence. And suddenly he breaks up. In the middle of the book, people who known it started to manifeste in public their agreement or disagreement. And at the end, they all fight each other, even those was for peace and the release of the prisoner. So the doctor saw how his action change the world, but not the way he wanted.
This was SH 3 was talking about. Even Heather, the main character, said: "Suffering is part of life". So because Claudia was hurt all her childhood, wouldn't mean she had the right to destroy the actual world to make a "better one". Espacialy the new world would be built by hatred.
I read a lot about Silent Hill, in everyone comments, in a lot of forums and topics. No one talked about what I mentioned. Maybe I was lucky enough to find something intersting, but I'm most of people passed it by. Tomorow, I'll start watching SH 2 serie from Baruttv, but I'm sure I already have great arguments.

Also, I try to build a video montage with SH 3 with, in background, the song "Bullet Proof... I wish I was" from Radiohead. During my viewing of the serie, I was playing guitar, specially that song. I think it his appropiate. The melody is sad, they a lot of weird sound effects in the background, and the lyrics fit well.

"Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me...

Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this...

I could burst a million bubbles
All surrogate and bullet proof..."

I'm not quite sure for the last verses, but still good. The problem is I download all videos from youtube with FireFox... in MP4. And Movie Maker doesn't work with the format. I tried to get some MP4/AVI converter, but of them didn't word unless you pay. What a trick. You download the things free, but pay to use it. I felt like back with the shareware stuff, when all computor games was build with that system. You buy the game, thinking you gonna skip homeworks for awhile but no... you must pay by credit card each part of the game. So back then, and right now, I was screwed. I got made and adandoned the idea for now. Maybe tomorow, the day will shine for me.

I was doing other stuff, but it is boring and I just wnated to talk about Silent Hill. If you read all this, well you must be boudhist. I like write stuffs, make me feel better. I submited some song of mine, but it is like the web site didn't publish then already. When it will be done, I'll write again, even if it is for myself. Till then, goodnight and take care, whoever you are.

Yeah, well... Here a french Canadian lost on new grounds. Kind of stupid joke, I know.

For what I can bring to the site, I do music and sing and stuff. I made a long way around no where to define myself in art, to not have to become a hitman for living. My english is as tired as I am right now, cause it's late, like 1:01 Am; so if you guys, people who gets here, could be a little lenient, I concider you all are, I would please you very much.

Oh... And I'm a Fan of Egoraptor. His way to make funny videos, with almost nothing but a heavy creative brain and a good will, is Awesome. Another stupid joke. I wish I could do something like that, but I don't know programs for such things and I guess frnch speaking is not as cool as english. I'll stay with music I guess.

Egoraptor, I'm with you!